


recesses of a lonely heart

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Episode Related, Episode: s01e04 Raising Hell, Everything Hurts, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Jace Has Issues, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 09:19:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16992279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Izzy's memory is taken first, yanked from her chest like a piece of her heart. It's of Alec, unsurprisingly, of him smirking at her teasingly. The image hangs there in the dark smoke for a heartbeat before being ripped away in a swirling spiral.Jace wonders what memory of Alec the demon will take from him and if it will stay with him like a faint echo or if it will be erased completely.[Jace's thoughts during the memory demon summoning in 1x04.]





	recesses of a lonely heart

**Author's Note:**

> two down, one left. hope you like this one more than the last, lol XD

“The demon's name is Valak,” Magnus Bane says, and Jace barely conceals a scoff because that warlock is having way too much fun – enunciating the name like that with an annoying quirk clinging to his lips – considering what they are about to summon into their midst. “And at some point he will ask for payment in exchange for Clary's memories.”

That doesn't sound ominous at all.

“What do you mean, what kind of payment?” Jace interjects sharply.

“We'll see,” Magnus answers, which isn't an answer at all. Jace hates it.

He bites back any scorching remark, focusing on Alec's rough and Clary's soft hands in his and the magic surging through them all, emanating from the pentagram at their feet. He shares a glance with Clary, nodding at her when she looks at him uncertainly. She might not know much about demons yet, but not even a fool could mistake the energy flowing around them for anything but lethal.

They've never meddled with powers quite so deadly before and part of Jace is all too aware of the many ways this could go awry, but for Clary it's worth the risk. He can feel it in his bones.

The warlock chants in a language Jace identifies as Chthonian and Izzy's necklace starts pulsing. Black fume manifests in the pentagram and a shudder runs down Jace's spine. The demonic energy peaks, he can feel it in his teeth like an electric shock. Wind picks up, tearing at their clothes and swooshing in their ears and Magnus has to shout to be heard over the roar. “We must each relinquish a beloved memory of the one we love the most.”

Izzy's memory is taken first, yanked from her chest like a piece of her heart. It's of Alec, unsurprisingly, of him smirking at her teasingly. The image hangs there in the dark smoke for a heartbeat before being ripped away in a swirling spiral.

Jace wonders what memory of Alec the demon will take from him and if it will stay with him like a faint echo or if it will be erased completely.

Clary's memory is of a woman with a soft smile and kind eyes. That must be her mom.

Next up is Alec, and Jace is so convinced that his memory will be of Izzy that he can't even comprehend his own face staring back at him, a glint in his eyes and a cocky smile on his lips.

It feels unreal. It can't be. Jace frowns, because this must be a mistake.

He can't possibly be the one Alec loves most.

Yes, they are parabatai and swore an oath to keep an unparalleled loyalty to one another, but Jace knows intimately that even this highest of commitments a shadowhunter can make is breakable, easily breakable even. His father and Alec's father were parabatai after all, and had barely spoken to one another for decades. Having a parabatai couldn't save him from being abandoned, and he'd tried to make his peace with that since the initial relief of Alec accepting his request to become parabatai had worn off.

He'd always known that even with a parabatai bond he couldn't possibly compare to what Alec and Izzy shared. He'd stubbornly clung to his last name as a reminder that for all that he was adopted into the Lightwood family he would never truly belong. He smothered his jealousy with an iron hard grip because Alec could never know of his weakness. He could never know that it was _him_ who got the short end of the deal when they forged the bond, not Jace.

Jace was thankful for every day that passed without Alec realizing his mistake. He loved Izzy and Alec, and he understoond that they were each other's first choices and he could only ever come second.

After years of living with that knowledge it feels surreal to be confronted with evidence that he is, in fact, Alec's first choice. It seems unbelievable, impossible.

But it's there, floating in grey fume. Undeniable.

Jace blinks and feels hope take root in his heart, in his _soul_ , that he might have found a security he can trust after all, a certainty he can fully rely on to be there for him, always.

It shatters a moment later when Alec turns to him with fear in his eyes and betrayal written all over his face. “No, it's not true! The demon deceived me!” he yells, agitated beyond reason, and Jace feels like he's been slapped across the heart with a seraph blade.

Of course. It was too good to be true.

Izzy shouts something he doesn't understand and Alec rips his hands free, breaking the circle.

Everything descends into chaos after that.

 

~ ~ ~

 

At night Jace thinks about what happened. How Alec looked at him before breaking free.

In his memory Alec curls his lips in disgust when their eyes meet, and Jace can't tell anymore if that's what he saw or if it's his imagination running wild, set out to torment him with his deepest fears.

There's a voice in the back of his mind, whispering to him _It was only a matter of time until he saw you for what you truly are. Desperate for affection, but never deserving._

Jace closes his eyes. Arguing is futile, he knows that from experience, but he can't stop it.

Maybe Alec denied it because he wanted to spare Izzy's feelings, he thinks. That would be a very Alec thing to do, wanting to protect his sister who proved she loved him more than anything.

_When will you learn? To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed._

A humorless laugh escapes him. He must be eager to be destroyed, then. His father would be so ashamed.

_You are a disappointment._

Jace blinks at the ceiling, trying to make sense of Alec's reaction. Why was he so affected by the implications of his memory? Was loving Jace over everyone else really such a terrible prospect?

Did Alec regret becoming his parabatai?

He thinks back to the day of their ceremony like he often does; how Alec hadn't shown up at first, how anticipation and trepidation had warred within him the longer Alec wasn't there, the impatience and ire of the high ranking shadowhunters that were made to wait while Jace pretended to be unaffected, even though fright eroded his heart that Alec might have changed his mind and didn't want to bind himself to Jace anymore. That he was discarded because he was unworthy.

No. Jace takes a deep breath. No, he can't think like that.

He rests his hand over his parabatai rune. The bond is muted now, with Alec asleep, but he can feel it rippling slightly, like a shallow creek. Alec might have kept him waiting, but in the end he came and they swore their oaths. Nothing can take that away from him, not even Alec himself.

And there's no reason for the demon to lie about Alec's memory, too. Why would he sabotage his own payment? It makes no sense, so it can't be true.

The demon didn't lie. He really is the one Alec loves most.

Jace bites his lip, trying to believe his own assurances, but he can't.

_You would trust the word of a demon over the word of your parabatai? So you can keep deceiving yourself and escape the truth of your defectiveness? Pathetic._

Jace sighs, defeated, closes his eyes again and can't help but agree.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i skimmed through that scene searching for something else, but realized that jace looks pretty surprised at seeing that alec's memory is of him. let me know if you thought this fit his character because i'm a little anxious :o


End file.
